Forgiveness

Why do we need to forgive?

It is not possible to escape the pain of frustration, disappointment, betrayal, or conflict in good relationships and it becomes uncomfortable continuing to live together however, the shared history and interests may make it even more frustrating to part ways.

At this point, forgiving becomes the practical and mature thing to do in order to re-establish peace and continue living with one another.

Forgiving is part of the process of psychological and spiritual healing for everyone “natural” and results into reduction of bitterness, resentment, and blame. Forgiving ourselves and those who have been hurtful to us are important in moving toward personal responsibility and getting rid of illusions of human perfection.

How do we know there is something we need to forgive?

We perceive we have been treated unjustly. Our pride may have been hurt, there may have been an unfair assault, or another may have violated a basic principle of justice or fairness. It is not necessary that the offending party actually intends to do harm.

How do we respond to unjust treatment?

There are only two responses to psychological injury:

1) Blame (Someone made me do it or it’s someone else’s fault; or

2) Forgiveness. The typical response is to be angry and blaming, to feel helpless, to engage in recrimination, to have thoughts of revenge. We want the wrongdoer to understand that our welfare or rights can’t be disregarded without consequence. This response gives us the sense that we are not helpless in the face of what has happened to us.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness has been defined as a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behaviour toward someone who has unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward the other. Forgiveness is volitional, not obligatory, and the new stance created toward the other includes affect (overcoming resentment and substituting compassion), cognition (overcoming condemnation with respect and/or generosity), and behaviour (overcoming indifference or even the tendency toward subtle revenge with a sense of goodwill). In essence, forgiveness wipes away the negative consequences of the offender’s injustice and is a merciful reaching-out to the offender. When we forgive, we take responsibility for the impact of what has happened on us and refuse to be victimized. We refuse to take the consequences of what happened. We open up the possibility that the relationship can return to the original blueprint that we had for the relationship and the original respect and compassion we showed to each other. It allows for a future that is not determined by the past—we are freed to imagine and move to new possibilities.